Seeking the Perfect Father

One of the hottest topics discussed amongst single Muslim women is that of marriage and finding the ideal spouse. They heatedly debate about the kind of brother they would each like to marry, and the criteria always differs: ‘he has to be tall’, ‘he must have a job’, ‘he has just got to have a beard’, ‘I can’t do without the thawb-wearing brother’ and so on. However, it is quite rare to hear anyone mention, ‘he’s got to love children’. Why is this?

When seeking a spouse, we usually think about the qualities that will benefit us - qualities that we would like to enjoy and hardly ever think a little deeper than that. It could be that the brothers with the aforementioned qualities will make a sister happy, but does this mean that he will be a good father for your children? You may then ask, how then do I find a father? Here are a few points to bear in mind.

Responsibility

A father is responsible for providing for his family, and ensuring that they are cared for and their needs looked after. Therefore, a man who is able provide for himself and his family is viewed as being a responsible man. Responsibility is not limited tomaking money, but also how this money is spent. It is one thing to be married to a man who goes out seeking a halaal income, and another thing to be married to a man who knows how to spend that income responsibly.

Maturity

Men who are immature and still want to be ‘a bit of a lad’ are not usually those who women perceive to be ready for fatherhood, because maturity and a mature state of mind is vital when rearing children. Most women want to have a child, not be married to one!

Character

Assessing the character of a possible spouse is absolutely vital when seeking marriage, because a man’s character will allow you to get an idea of whether he will be a good role-model for your children. The best way to find out about a prospective spouse’s character is to ask those who are his neighbours, business colleagues or those who have travelled with him.

Patience

Any mother will be able to tell you that having children requires a high degree of patience, because Allah has told us in Surah al-Anfaal (8), verse 28:

“You should know that your wealth and your children are, in fact, a test for you, and that Allah is He with Whom is your mighty reward.”

Children are a test for their parents: they have their good qualities and their not-so-good qualities. Therefore, a woman needs to be patient with her children, and having a husband who is also patient eases the burden.

There are many other qualities that a woman should look for in a prospective husband, and she should remember that marriage is a life-long contract, and as part of this firm bond, children are often part of the equation. Therefore, seeking the perfect husband should not be the only thing on her agenda. Rather, she should also seek to find the perfect father.

This article was published in RUSH magazine.

© Umm Junayd, 2007.