Just Write
Archived under Personal Ramblings .
They say that a way to overcome writer's block is to just write. It was upon this premise that I began to type this short entry. I'm unsure where exactly it will lead me, but I may be surprised to find it to be something beneficial or maybe even interesting.
Something that has been on my mind for a long time is the issue of newly reverted sisters getting married either on the day they pronounce their declaration of faith, or shortly after. One may ask, "So what's your business?" or "What's the problem with that?" I'll answer both questions.
Firstly, how is it my business whether a 'new-born' (and I use this term to not only describe the sinless state she is in when she pronounces the shahaadah, but also the fact that she may not know much about this beautiful way of life) decides to enter into a contract with a man considered to be her husband or not? It's my business because she's now considered to be my sister and as she is my sister, she is dear to me, as is her honour, her blood and her property. Furthermore, as I strive to be considered a believer, I love for her what I love for myself.
Secondly, what seems to be the problem? This is where we need to clear the cloud of confusion and the waves of emotion and think rationally (which apparently – yes, note the use of that word – sisters can't do very well).
Here you have a woman, a diamond, a precious gem, someone to be protected. She may be vulnerable, not because of her stupidity or gullibility; rather, she's an intelligent woman. However, she may lack an amount of knowledge, as we all do, some basic and some not so basic. It could be knowledge of her rights in Islaam – the rights Allaah has over her; knowledge of the obligations upon her; knowledge of the commitment and hard work required in a marriage; knowledge of the rights her husband has over her and vice versa. Therefore knowing this, would it be wise to enter into a contract without prior knowledge of what will be required of her? Would she sign a vague work contract? Surely, she would not. So how then can she sign or enter into a marriage contract without first knowing about the status it has in Islaam, what is required of both parties and how to make it, by Allaah's Will successful?
Of course, my concern seems to be unfounded in my particular community as by Allaah's Grace we do seem to see many sisters pronounce their shahaadah, get married soon after, if not on the same day, and successfully cultivate their marriage. However, this is not always the case and I personally feel that sisters should first cultivate their faith and love of Allaah and their relationship with Him before taking a plunge into a life-long commitment that marriage should be.
Any thoughts?
~ Umm Junayd.
Your Thoughts
Bismillaahi wass-Salaatu wass-Salaamu'alaa Rasoolillaah.
Us-Salaamu'alaikum. For once, you'll have to forgive me for not adhering to the commenting guidelines. This comment, although it sprang up from some of your words in the post, is not actually relevant to this post...or so I think. Wallaahu A'lam.
"It's my business because she's now considered to be my sister and as she is my sister, she is dear to me, as is her honour, her blood and her property. Furthermore, as I strive to be considered a believer, I love for her what I love for myself."
When you think of those words, does nothing else other than just the newly wed new Muslimah come to your mind? Is is not our business to try and protect all those brothers and sisters who are being tortured and murdered all around the world by the kuffaar? Yes it's a rhetorical question. And we all know the answer.
But even if we leave the "love for our sisters" and the "care for our brothers", and look at the obligation that has come over us all, we cannot sit in our homes and enjoy our lives while the kuffaar take over the lands of Muslims and bring down their houses and continue to bathe with their blood.
Just like we can't do without salah, just like we can't do without fasting in Ramadaan, just like we can't do without hajj, there's something else we can't do without in the current day and age...well in all times, whenever it is required. Physically taking part in the battle is fard al 'ain upon us today, but we don't pay any attention to that. We've forgotten...well...been made to forget, one way or another, the importance of jihaad feesabeelillaah, and the virtues of it too.
I'd like to suggest some readings on this matter:
http://islaam.surjo.com/books/Defense_of_the_Muslim_Lands.pdf
http://islaam.surjo.com/books/MashariAl-AshwaqilaMasarial-Ushaaq.pdf
In addition, you can listen to the "Story of al Akwa" lecture series by Imaam Anwar al-Awlaki which is based on the book "Mashari al-Ashwaq" by ibn Nahaas, and also to the lecture series by him called "Thawaabit 'alaa Darb al-Jihaad" which is based on the book with the same name by Shaikh Yusuf al 'Uyairi.
Forgive me for jabbering on endlessly.
May Allaah 'Azza wa Jall Guide us all, and only give us death upon Guidance.
Wass-Salaamu'alaikum.
Wass-Salaatu wass-Salaamu'alaa Rasoolillaah. Walhumdulillaah.
Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Alhamdu lillah wassalaatu wassalaamu 'ala rasulillah.
You have a point in what you're saying, that we should educate ourselves instead of rushing in and do something we MAY later regret.
BUT, even "born muslims" do that. It's not an excuse. They should get married, because marriage is a means of preserving the Deen, a means of keeping away from sin, it is half of your Deen!
Rather we should educate us and them and keep on educating ourselves or reminding ourselves. The first years in a marriage are not easy for anyone. In a marriage one has to evolve and grow all the time and one has to nurture the marriage.
If one just adheres to Qur'an and Sunnah, there are no problems that can't be overcome and solved, bi idhnillahi ta'ala.
Also, we wish for them what is good for them, and that is to protect their chastity too. And when there are good and righteous muslim brothers who need to get married, we have no right to stop such marriages from happening.
subhaanakAllahumma wa bihamdik ash-hadu an laa ilaaha illa Ant astaghfiruka wa atubu ilayk.
Wa 'alaikumus-salaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh.
Akh Hasan:
I totally know what you mean by this:
Is is not our business to try and protect all those brothers and sisters who are being tortured and murdered all around the world by the kuffaar? Yes it's a rhetorical question. And we all know the answer.
And I also agree that we always turn a blind eye to that which afflicts the Muslimeen. That was the same reason for this entry. But alas, I still feel useless in this regard!
Oum Anas:
Yes, brothers and sisters do need to get married - indeed they need to preserve their chastity. I must say, many of the sisters in my community who married on the same day as they pronounced their shahaadah kinda 'knew' their marriage partner in the past - sometimes it was more than knowing them.
However, I remember a sister saying to me: "I wouldn't recommend reverts marrying one another especially if they knew each other [or were together in their times of jaahiliyyah] because they usually tend to bring the jaahiliyyah into the marraige." Do you think this is a fair statement? From what I've heard from some sisters, it seems to be.
Allaahu a'lam.
Assalaamu'alaykum dear sister,
I stumbled upon your blog through brother Aboo Uthman's blog.
Where I come from (Malaysia), those who intend to marry a Muslim - it is a must for them to convert. We have many, many women and men who have converted just for the sake of marriage... and sadly when the marriage doesn't work; either they are only 'muslims by name,' or there is a huge hoo haa over wanting to convert out of Islam, nadhubillah.
These things happen day in and day out.. and it doesn't help when these same people want their "rights" defined, i.e. they should be allowed to leave the religion, sigh.
I think it is of utmost importance for a person who wants to marry a Muslim, to really know the religion, before plunging into it. Islam is a serious matter. Being a Muslim is a serious matter. There is no compulsion into it, however. But some kind of 'enforcement' should be set up, to share this message.. that Islam is a one way ticket. If you don't want to convert with honesty and sincerity, don't marry!
Or would you say it is easy for me to say?
I for one am a revert (ALHAMDULILLAH) and married a Muslim. However, I had embraced Islam before I married. But in my country, people think you are mad if you embraced Islam not because of marriage. But insya Allah, it will be different..
Assalamualaikum,
I quite share your sentiments. From my personal experience, I just believe Allah helps some people with their marriages while others who don't work on it, well, it'll come crashing down on their heads.
My Motheh professed the Shahadah the day she married my Dad. It took her a long time to get acquinted with her new faith, but she never gave up because Dad always encouraged her. Alhamdulilah. Now she's praying and all that.
Your misgivings are not unfounded though. It's not ALL women that will be blessed with a loving, understanding man who wouldn't take advantage of their ignorance and fragile state. I have known such unions where the man went behind her back to pack in one or two extra wives while telling the woman it was none of her business.
I only hope women would educate themselves. ITs bad enough some Muslim women do not know their rights, what more those new to the Faith.
May Allah make it easier for all of us, Amin.
As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah.
Seeing that I am a revert who got married 5 months after I took islam, I feel qualified to comment. Whereas you are looking at the woman just getting married, what about the man who went to seek out a kafir woman, then halalise her so he could fulfill his desires. (Not that there is anthing wrong in that per say) To me, I think this is almost done deliberately because there lies a sculpture which is not yet formed, so he can whip her into any shape he likes. And this is what I have a problem with!
My first marriage (since am not in my second and may be soon moving onto a third) I was told a lot about men's rights, and how I have sooooo many things to fulfill. I was told I had three rights (food, shelter and clothing) And I was sooooo oppressed, and because the man kept telling me that this is what islam requires of me, I decided that islam was too heavy a burden, I was never going to be a true muslim (salafi) and I kept being told I wasn't a true salafi, so I decided I no longer want to be muslim. Alhamdu lillah, the sister who gave me dawah said to me, "Remember that you came into islam on your own. He wasn't in the picture. So think about what is was about islam that made your heart run towards it. Not what the man has told you islam it." After reflecting, I know I came into islam because of the Qur'an. What was in the book, the descriptions of the magnificence of Allah, and I wanted to know that magnificent God, I wanted to be close to him, and I wanted to know him, I wanted him to be my friend, on my side. I just wanted to be with him. It was that simple. And so my thoughts about wanting to leave islam, were just from the shaitan! Alhamdu lillah Allah sent me the reminder at my weak moment.
So after such an experience, how have I ended up in such a disaster a second time round? Well I believe it's my own fault, and that I needed to grow up more than just a notch, so Allah sent this to me. The time I wanted to get married, I remember I was so lonely for companionship I was basically, flatly, and completely desperate. Things which would have been given the gravest of considerations were not considered because I was so desperate. Yes, I prayed istikhara, but I was thinking about it the other day... why was I in such haste? Couldn't I pray to Allah for longer than just the 2 rakat for istikharah? Why didn't I atleast pray a full week of tahajjud before embarking on such a serious matter?
I will tell you why. I didn't realise that the male ego, when not properly balanced can be so malicious. So inclined to oppressing those under them. I didn't realise that by getting married I was truely making myself a subject. I would be told what to do, when to do it. If I had realised this back then, my decisions would have been gravely different. But there is wisdom in everything Allah gives us because the strength I have now, would have only been something I dreamt of had I not gone through this. The iman I am sitting on at the moment, the last time I experienced such certainty was 5 yrs ago when I took my shahadah and my mother threw me out 2 days later because she was not going to live with a muslim. She told me very flatly, that I must chose between Allah and herself and I must bear in mind that Allah cannot do anything for me whereas she always has and will continue to (if I chose her). Many days I have hungered for that same iman where I was ready to lose everything (and I did lose everything) and feel as though I was sitting on a gold mine, when I used to stand for salah at central masjid feeling so proud of myself that yes, I am here, In the rows amongst the muslims, and guess what... I am one too! How I didn't know where I was going to live but somehow I knew Allah would provide somewhere for me to go (at least I wasn't out on the street yet). I was sooo certain, that His help was coming. How many times I have asked Allah to return me to that state. Well now it has come, and it has come accompanied with growth so it's even better. So here on end, whatever Allah has decided for me, I have submitted. I have laid down all my burdens. And I have asked Him to sort them out, because I have no power or might to. So the matter is in His hands, I have submitted, and He will look after his own (since I am his property).
In my humble opinion, I really think brother are becoming desperate, to be the "man" and if they feel threatened in any way, out come the fangs. They are threatened that you may be more intelligent, have a greater understanding of the deen, just anything. Bottom line, they are the man so they must be the one to teach you and not you to teach them. Some of them view marraige as a dictatorship, where they dictate to you, and get you inline. So the wife is treated like a child who is even put on punishment if she so much as disobeys a single order.
Also, the brothers, when they congregate and talk about their marraiges, they seem to encourage each other to be the man in the house. To not tolerate and instead fix whatever is crooked about the wife. Whilst in contrast the sisters recommend each other to patience with the husbands. So the fault is not with the one who is standing there taking her shahadah and getting married at the same time, the fault is the one standing next to her saying he wants to marry her. Because islam is a journey, and no matter how much you know, understanding comes from Allah, so if you get married and all you know is A, if Allah wants you to know what B and C is then you will for a surety, come to know it. So I don't agree with the concept of the revert having to learn their deen first. This sometimes also puts them in difficulty if they are already accustomed to having boyfriends etc. So marraige is better.
Personally, I think the day men realise that nobody is perfect and they also have to exercise a degree of patience and tolerance (the same way the woman has to), and stop trying to put the woman in line. We are going to see many, many more cases. Allah made them the Amir of the house, not Fir'aun. (Who wanted people to also worship him, thinking himself higher than he was). And the last time I checked an amir/ruler/head is supposed to be just. All of the pious predecessors who ended up governing certain regions were very fearful of their subjects. Yet we find that the brothers are not in such a state and infact want to stretch out their feathers. They tell us to fear them, and have no fear of us. Any man who does not fear a woman is a fool, because it is very, very, very easy to get a sin from a woman. (Based on your actions towards her).
I apologise for the long post.
Ma salaama
Safiyyah
Wa 'alaikumus-salaam wa rahmatullaah.
As the saying goes ukht: 'it takes 2 to tango' - so I do not feel that it is fair to blame the brothers.
Having said this, I am certainly familiar with the type of brothers who wish to be macho and make it known that they 'are the man' - however, I feel it takes more of a man to realise his shortcomings and humble himself before Allaah to ask Him to help him rectify them.
Nonetheless, sisters should not go into a marriage thinking that because it should be based upon Islaam, that it'll be all bright and rosy.
In addition, I cannot speak against those who marry 'in haste'. Indeed, it depends on how one defines haste. I for one did not know my husband inside out before I chose to marry him - for some, the waiting period can become a time of fitnah.
There are many points you've raised ukht and after having time to digest them, I may make a seperate post on some of them, inshaa`Allaah.
Take care and I'll be speaking to you soon inshaa`Allaah.
Was-salaamu 'alaikum
~Umm Junayd.
Aslamu alkaum sister
this is me took sahada and with in minuites later was kinda pressured to get married but was happy to do so. I agree i would have loved a better insight in to my rights and expected duites as a muslim wife , i didnt even know about the mahar and had to made a choice on the spot but couldn't and the brothers marrying us indcated towards what could be a suitable mahar (dower from the husban to the wife), i felt i needed more time to think about that , making a better choice ect.
Ayhow we wed and 15yrs on mashaAllah , i had to learn alot through the years, prior knowledge to so many things could have save a lot of tears and heart ache but alhamduillah all is qadr.
Wa 'alaikumus-salaam sister Hind.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am aware that there are many 'rushed marriages' that work, mashaa`Allaahh, but they are just so many that do not. This is really the problem.
I personally know of sisters who didn't even KNOW that they were going to get married after taking the shahaadah... they were told "nikah" and they didn't have a clue what was going on. I remember being at one such nikah and asked the sister, "how do you feel?" and she shrugged her shoulders and looked as though she was going to cry! I asked, "confused?" and she nodded and burst into tears. Now isn't that just so sad?
The poor sister did not have a clue what was going on. Some brothers marry quickly because of their previous relation with the sister (in her non-Muslim state) and which to now make things halaal. That's great, but the sister does not even know what is required of her as a Muslimah.
It's an ongoing problem, but one that I do not have any power over.
May Allaah help our brothers and sisters in their marriages, aameen.
~ Umm Junayd.
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Assalamu Alaikum,
I share your concerns and that is why I periodically circulate "Marriage and the New Muslim Sister (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/uk_muslimah/message/4659)
My concern also stems from three years of moderating the S4D forum and hearing so many tragic stories...it is truly sad what happens to so many revert sisters...
Ma'Salaama,
~Aishah