Seeking the Perfect Father

One of the hottest topics discussed amongst single Muslim women is that of marriage and finding the ideal spouse. They heatedly debate about the kind of brother they would each like to marry, and the criteria always differs: ‘he has to be tall’, ‘he must have a job’, ‘he has just got to have a beard’, ‘I can’t do without the thawb-wearing brother’ and so on. However, it is quite rare to hear anyone mention, ‘he’s got to love children’. Why is this?

When seeking a spouse, we usually think about the qualities that will benefit us - qualities that we would like to enjoy and hardly ever think a little deeper than that. It could be that the brothers with the aforementioned qualities will make a sister happy, but does this mean that he will be a good father for your children? You may then ask, how then do I find a father? Here are a few points to bear in mind.

Responsibility

A father is responsible for providing for his family, and ensuring that they are cared for and their needs looked after. Therefore, a man who is able provide for himself and his family is viewed as being a responsible man. Responsibility is not limited tomaking money, but also how this money is spent. It is one thing to be married to a man who goes out seeking a halaal income, and another thing to be married to a man who knows how to spend that income responsibly.

Maturity

Men who are immature and still want to be ‘a bit of a lad’ are not usually those who women perceive to be ready for fatherhood, because maturity and a mature state of mind is vital when rearing children. Most women want to have a child, not be married to one!

Character

Assessing the character of a possible spouse is absolutely vital when seeking marriage, because a man’s character will allow you to get an idea of whether he will be a good role-model for your children. The best way to find out about a prospective spouse’s character is to ask those who are his neighbours, business colleagues or those who have travelled with him.

Patience

Any mother will be able to tell you that having children requires a high degree of patience, because Allah has told us in Surah al-Anfaal (8), verse 28:

“You should know that your wealth and your children are, in fact, a test for you, and that Allah is He with Whom is your mighty reward.”

Children are a test for their parents: they have their good qualities and their not-so-good qualities. Therefore, a woman needs to be patient with her children, and having a husband who is also patient eases the burden.

There are many other qualities that a woman should look for in a prospective husband, and she should remember that marriage is a life-long contract, and as part of this firm bond, children are often part of the equation. Therefore, seeking the perfect husband should not be the only thing on her agenda. Rather, she should also seek to find the perfect father.

This article was published in RUSH magazine.

© Umm Junayd, 2007.

You Are What You Say You Are

“I’m too lazy to lose weight,” “I’m not clever enough to teach my kids”, “I’m too fat to wear that dress…” Have you heard yourself saying similar statements before? Maybe you’ve heard another sister talking in such a way? These are
explosive assertions that are common on the tongues of women, and the question remains: why do we put ourselves down?

People tend to put themselves down for various reasons. For some it’s a matter of low self-esteem, where they’ve been told they are a certain way so many times that they’ve adopted it. For some, it is a sympathy ploy to get others to make a counter-claim. For others, it is an inherent fear that they will disappoint people if they do not surpass their expectations. Whatever the reasons may be, downgrading ourselves is unhealthy and can have adverse effects on our personae. I have seen many sisters who have been held back in their lives simply because of the way they think about themselves.

When you attach a definite trait to yourself, your actions begin to reflect that trait. When you say you’re too lazy to do something, you will behave lazily and fail to get things done. Likewise, if you say you’re not intelligent enough to pass a test, you won’t work to prove yourself otherwise for it is ingrained in your mind that you’re below par. The mind is a powerful thing, and the heart thrives on its thoughts.

Pumping your mind with damaging thoughts persuades your heart to feed on them and embrace them. It will not  willingly let them go until you do. The most dangerous aspect of putting yourself down is that it’s hard to break the cycle. Even though others may compliment you, your certainty that you are the complete opposite prevents you from freeing yourself of the negativity that weighs you down. These thoughts obstruct you from venturing forth and attaining your dreams; they are hurdles that you must jump in order to move ahead in life. Holding on to such beliefs, will cripple your mind and force you to live up to them. The sad reality is that you will remain undervalued until you discover the value within yourself.

Rather than degrading yourself, why not see yourself as a bird freeing itself from a cage of negativity? Once you spread your wings and fly into a world of endless opportunities by seeing your many positive attributes, you’ll find a flock of people wanting to fly with you to reinforce them with you.

Sister, you are what you say you are. Spread your wings and take flight on a journey to positive thinking.

This article was published in the Spring 2009 issue of SISTERS magazine.
© Umm Junayd, March 2009.

Go On, Supplement!

Assalaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullaah
For the brothers who read frequently visit, you are going to do nothing but cringe at this entry, unless you are a father. If you are a mother-to-be, a ‘new’ mother or the like, read on.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling.”

My dear sisters, we know that breastfeeding is the best food source for our babies and it’s best to breastfeed them for two whole years. Yes, as ‘disgusting’ or ‘painful’ it may sound, it’s actually the best for our children.
The Department of Health have changed their minds again and have now said that:

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