Please, Mend My Heart! - II
Assalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullaah.
Okay, so I took brother Yunir's advice and tried to edit some of the narration. I also read through a few books and realised that children's books are 50% (or more, in some cases) dialogue. So here's the revised beginning and a little more. [I've finally finished the story, alhamdulillaah - after much deliberation, I decided to give it a hppy ending.]
Was-salaamu 'alaikum
~ Umm Junayd.
“Not again!” Khalid cried in a croaky voice as he and his sister walked in through their front door. “They’re always arguing. Why are they always arguing?”
He turned to face his sister, “Tell them to stop, Saf. Please tell them to stop!”
His large brown eyes stared into his elder sister’s round eyes, but Safiyyah quickly looked away as their eyes met; she hated to see the pleading look on Khalid’s face - it made her feel guilty.
“Assalaamu ‘alaikum,” Safiyyah chirped cheerfully, as she stepped past her brother, placed her college bag on the bag hook and strutted into the front room.
“Wa ‘alaikumus-salaam,” Mrs Taylor replied cautiously.
Above her thick-rimmed glasses, her eyes could be seen darting back and forth between her husband and her daughter. She hadn’t wanted the children to witness yet another conflict.
“Wa ‘alaikumus-salaam, Safiyyah sweetie,” Mr Taylor responded in his usual soft, whisper-like voice, looking up at his daughter.
“Where’s Khalid?” Mrs Taylor enquired, “Didn’t you pick him up from school?”
“Yeah, I did,” Safiyyah continued in the same merry tone, “He’s standing out in the hallway.” She flashed one of her famous fake smiles and skipped off to her room, leaving Khalid standing alone in the poorly lit hallway.
© Umm Junayd, January 2006
Comments
alright, well done, would love to see more....
i especially like Saff's fake smile.. clever.
RE: children's book full of dialogue,
come to think of it, you are right!
thx for sharing. that is a very good point indeed.
Wassalam
Posted by: yunir | January 15, 2006 3:15 PM
Thanks for the comment - I'm a little shaky with the story. It's got 8 chapters and some chapters just seem so slow. Inshaa`Allaah I'll post the rest of the first chapter in the next entry.
Posted by: Umm Junayd | January 15, 2006 3:46 PM