Heat of Entice — Part One

I knew you were laying in wait for me again that day, watching from a distance, analysing my every move. I can only imagine your glee as I drove past him - you were probably excited at the prospect of me being knocked to my knees again, slipping as I naïvely slithered towards the invisibly marked danger zone.

You knew that day was like the others as I drove the 30-minute journey to Grandma’s home. I slowed down at the narrow junction that branched onto a one-way street, proceeding cautiously over the speed bumps. It was a 20-miles-per-hour driving zone, but I slowed further to 15. The orange bricked terraced houses that lined the streets boasted their vigour despite their age. Pristine evergreen foliage decorated the outskirts of each block, adding a hint of spring even during the harshest winter months. I made a mental note of the alleys that separated each five-house block. They were oddly placed, probably for the convenience of the architect, but at the peril of the residents who were left with no choice but to endure the sight of another block only a few metres from their front door.

‘Block one, block two,’ I muttered just above a whisper as I passed the blocks before Saleem’s, paying particular attention to the road ahead. I stole a rushed glance in the direction of his house, taking care to keep my head still - not the slightest indication of where my eyes strayed.

It would be unacceptable to be seen looking at him if he were to be watching out of his window the moment I drove by. His was the one at the very top of the three-floored house, the one facing the street. The lace curtains that skirted the windows were those his mother had picked from Clapham’s bustling market. Laced flowers danced in an elegant pattern, with a fine stitch of leaves above. I’d skimmed my fingers over the edges once, intertwining them between my fingers in a smooth drawn out motion. Then, I wondered what had made his mother choose such an elaborate design for someone she knew would pay no attention to it. Saleem had no care for such, but she had bought it all the same.

When I had passed his house there were no obvious signs of him. I continued to scan the almost deserted street in the hope that he would be strolling along it lazily, so that I may catch a glimpse of him. Every tall man with even a hint of his airbrushed brown skin caused my heart to thump. My hands would develop pinpricked beads of sweat as I gripped the steering wheel tighter, pretending not to look.

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Seeking the Perfect Father

One of the hottest topics discussed amongst single Muslim women is that of marriage and finding the ideal spouse. They heatedly debate about the kind of brother they would each like to marry, and the criteria always differs: ‘he has to be tall’, ‘he must have a job’, ‘he has just got to have a beard’, ‘I can’t do without the thawb-wearing brother’ and so on. However, it is quite rare to hear anyone mention, ‘he’s got to love children’. Why is this?

When seeking a spouse, we usually think about the qualities that will benefit us - qualities that we would like to enjoy and hardly ever think a little deeper than that. It could be that the brothers with the aforementioned qualities will make a sister happy, but does this mean that he will be a good father for your children? You may then ask, how then do I find a father? Here are a few points to bear in mind.

Responsibility

A father is responsible for providing for his family, and ensuring that they are cared for and their needs looked after. Therefore, a man who is able provide for himself and his family is viewed as being a responsible man. Responsibility is not limited tomaking money, but also how this money is spent. It is one thing to be married to a man who goes out seeking a halaal income, and another thing to be married to a man who knows how to spend that income responsibly.

Maturity

Men who are immature and still want to be ‘a bit of a lad’ are not usually those who women perceive to be ready for fatherhood, because maturity and a mature state of mind is vital when rearing children. Most women want to have a child, not be married to one!

Character

Assessing the character of a possible spouse is absolutely vital when seeking marriage, because a man’s character will allow you to get an idea of whether he will be a good role-model for your children. The best way to find out about a prospective spouse’s character is to ask those who are his neighbours, business colleagues or those who have travelled with him.

Patience

Any mother will be able to tell you that having children requires a high degree of patience, because Allah has told us in Surah al-Anfaal (8), verse 28:

“You should know that your wealth and your children are, in fact, a test for you, and that Allah is He with Whom is your mighty reward.”

Children are a test for their parents: they have their good qualities and their not-so-good qualities. Therefore, a woman needs to be patient with her children, and having a husband who is also patient eases the burden.

There are many other qualities that a woman should look for in a prospective husband, and she should remember that marriage is a life-long contract, and as part of this firm bond, children are often part of the equation. Therefore, seeking the perfect husband should not be the only thing on her agenda. Rather, she should also seek to find the perfect father.

This article was published in RUSH magazine.

© Umm Junayd, 2007.